Single, Free and Living for Me.

Dear Blog,

We all love the idea of having someone special in our lives. Someone to greet us after work, to cuddle us when we are sad and someone to share all our future hopes and dreams with. A person who loves us unconditionally and vice versa. In an ideal world, we would all have one person and that one person wouldn’t be so difficult to find. Personally, I love the ‘idea’ of being loved and to having someone metaphorically there for me. I have always wanted that support and union but sadly I feel it is drilled into us (especially young girls) that you need to find your Disney prince, setting unrealistic goals and views of how relationship/love should be. I know that a part of me has always viewed love like a Disney movie and it’s why I am single.

Two days ago marked a whole year since I became single again. If you have followed my blogs for a while, you’ll remember the sting of sad yet insightful reflections I posted around that time. While being single for a year shouldn’t feel like neither an achievement nor a failure, for me, it’s a little unusual. Not because I think I’m god’s gift to the dating game and could bed any person I meet but because all my adult life, I set myself these ‘deadlines’. When I was 20, I would have been mortified to be single at 26. With my childish rose tinted glasses on, I thought I would be married by now and maybe thinking about having children. It was a reason my last 2 relationship were in such a short space of time between each other.
Part of this mentality comes from my childhood. It was far from fantastic yet there are people out there who had it far worse. However, a very strained (and now utterly nonexistent) relationship with my father certainly had effected what I wanted out of a relationship. I just want to be loved. Not pampered or waited on like a lady of leisure but to have someone who cares about how my day has been or what our future together would be like. But most importantly, I wanted protection, security.  I am still yet to meet such a human.
The second reason I think I wanted to settle down so early was because my mum was a teen mum. So at my current age, should I have followed in her footsteps, I would have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. This is mildly terrifying. I can barely cook, let alone look after children. It’s crazy, even though I am currently living the years I remember watching my mum live, I don’t feel as wise. I don’t feel like an adult yet. Maybe I thought that would change by getting married and settling down? Who knows, I was too busy, hooked up on Disney’s infusion of lies.

Now you might have read that thinking I am utterly miserable because at 26, and after a year since my last relationship ended, I am still single but you would be wrong. I am living the best part of my life right now. This past year has taught me a lot but don’t expect this to come naturally. I have seriously reflected on who I am and who I was in that relationship. I didn’t like me. I didn’t like the way I treated people and I didn’t want to go another day doing the same thing. So I started living as if I would die tomorrow.

If I died tomorrow, whether I was single or not, wouldn’t matter to me anymore. So, I can either, waste my time, searching and searching, failed relationship after failed relationship or go volunteer at music festivals. Go to New York or Ireland or anywhere on my own. I can spend my money on myself instead of spending half on some free loader with a linear outlook to life. I have done more in the last 12 months, than I ever expected to. More than I ever thought I could do. 12 months ago, I’d never have travel on my own. I had always thought holidays should be with someone to make memories with but it turns out that I am quite capable of making memories on my own! I have a brain! I don’t need to seek permission to do anything I want. I can just go and do it.

I have listened. I have learnt. I have grown. And this is only the very beginning. Nothing is going to stop me. I am creating my life, my little bubble and should the right person stumble upon it then I might just let them in, but it will still be my bubble and no relationship should change who I am or what I want out of life. I now live for me and not for my Disney prince.

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