Can You Feel That?


Can you feel that?
The stabbing feeling in your chest?
The piecing pain as your heart beats against your ribs,
Like a desperate prisoner banging on the bar of his cell?
Or the lump as hard as a rock lodged in your throat?
Restricting airflow,
The choking sensation as is the stings getting tighter?
The inability to expel any sound?
Can you feel the knot that twists your stomach?
The contortion?
How about the throbbing headache?
The skull shattering combustion of your brain,
So consuming.
Can you feel it?
The cold sweat dripping down your back,
Glueing your clothes to your skin?
Suffocating your body with each movement?
How about the turbulent tremor?
The aggressive shaking,
The ache of bruising muscles?
Did you feel that?

Can you feel the agony you put me through?
It’s about time you did.


My 2018 Review.

Dear Blog,

Well, here we are, New Years Eve and another year has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I find that the older I get, the faster time seems to pass. It’s incredibly unsettling yet empowering and with each passing month, the more I try to cram in, rejecting mundane life while I can. 
My life has taken a huge (and pretty unexpected) turn during 2018 and to be honest, I feel absolutely amazing because of it. Its pretty rare for me to feel like this at the end of the year as I’m typically full of regret, having not achieved anything I had set out to do. I know a lot of readers will be able to related to that. Anyway, here is a breakdown of my 2018:


Untitled (1)

  • In January, I visited Prague and marked my 25th birthday in another country. I visited an ‘Ice Bar’ where everything from the walls to the glasses were made of ice. You were only allowed 20 minutes in the bar due to how cold it was. 

  • I also started this blog in January!

  • Nothing spectacular happened in the lead up to May which is when I became single yet again. Looking forward to entering 2019 as a free woman. 

  • The end of May saw me begin the Arctic One challenge with my goals being: Cycle 621 miles, Swim 31 miles and collectively exercise for 100 hours, all before the first of September. unfortunately I didn’t succeed. My summer ended up being more jam-packed than i realised.

  • June was a month I’d rather forget as drama and mental health consumed my family life. However I did go to my very first photo shoot with my sister and it was a much needed confidence boost.

  • July has got to be my favourite month of 2018. Not only did I win 2 return flights to Spain via the NHS but I also won a cat hamper through my local pet shop. Clove was very happy.

  • On 1st July, I cycled 75 miles with Cycle Swam around Norfolk in the scorching heat.
  • Mid July, I went to my first ever festival and had an absolutely amazing time volunteering. It was, hands down one of the best things I have ever experienced and I am so proud of myself for doing it on my own. Thinking back and I’m still so pumped from the whole thing. 
  • Three days after returning from Latitude, I moved into my own little house! 

  • As August came around, my best friend from uni cames to visit. Using some gift cards I had obtained at christmas (and luckily not wasted on the Ex), we visited the Harry Potter studios in Watford. That was an amazing day out and took me back to being a kid. Definitely worth the visit if your interested in the making of Harry Potter or just to see the costumes and props.

  • Later on I did another cycling sportive (Tour De Broads) with one of my friends, this time only 50 miles but we completed it in good time and got some awesome medals!

  • 8 weeks later and I boarded the plane with my family to Spain. Having originally gifted the tickets to my Mum and her partner, it was decided to turn this opportunity into a family getaway with 6 of us in tow. A beautiful place that I would definitely visit again. 


The last few months have slowed down and been rather uneventful. I have worked almost ever day of the christmas season so nothing to report there. As 2018 draws to a close, it is a year I don’t wish to repeat but at the same time, I have achieved so much and developed my thought process, my personality and improved my general outlook on life. I have grown up this year and with 2019 already looking promising, I can’t wait to see what I’ll be writing this time next year. 

new year 1

The Worst Date I’ve Ever Had.

Dear Blog,

Back in 2015, newly single and hoping to find the man I will eventually marry (still working on that), I was browsing dating websites like they were facebook, painstakingly reading countless profiles for anyone who vaguely suited my set of preferences. I was young and naive but thought I was ready for the bigger things in life. Silly 22 year old me.

Anyway, one day, a few weeks before Christmas, a dude messaged me. I browsed his profile, analysed all his photos and decided to give him a chance. The first 2 dates were OK but there wasn’t much chemistry between us. That became all the more clear on date number 3.

On the morning of our third date, I was getting ready for what I thought was going to be a nice walk around a local park with this guy and his dog. It sounded like a good bonding opportunity and something I desperately needed as I was becoming very aware of the lack of ‘spark’ between us.
During the drive to pick me up, this guy had had a sudden change of plan. He decided that we should go to his house and watch a movie instead. I was made aware of the plan change once he had already picked me up…
I wasn’t exactly thrilled nor am I the type of person to ‘Netflix and chill’ that quickly into knowing someone. My day got progressively worse from there.

The guy hadn’t told me that he was still living at home with his parents so once he opened his front door, both his mum and dad were there. His mum hugged me, offered me food, I politely declined before being abandoned in the hallway while everyone else went into the kitchen. It was the longest minute of my life and there was a distinct lack of photos or art work on the walls to provide me with at least a little entertainment.
Once the dude returned, we headed upstairs to his bedroom…


…I walked into a bedroom that could have equally belonged to a teenage boy, not someone a year older than me. Clothes had been thrown across the floor, a stack of plates were towering over his computer and the room just stank of stale boy. It was very obvious that this guy hadn’t thought about inviting me around until the moment he drove away from this pigsty. Being a little taken back, I sat on his bed while he flicked through the movies, pre-downloaded on his PS3.

That’s when I noticed it.

Right in the middle of his grey duvet cover was a huge, the size of a grapefruit huge, ketchup stain. Now call me high maintenance but if you invite a girl over to your house, you might want to change your bed sheets first!
He had picked The Hunger Games to watch. Great, two and a half hours of avoiding this stain. As the movie played on, the guy put his arm around me and invited me in for a cuddle. I was so rigid, not really wanting to be there and trying to avoid this stain which I had managed to curl my body around.
We stayed like that for a little bit until his mum strolled in and asked him if he wanted anything to eat, I quickly jumped up, which probably made me look more suspisious. He asked for some sausage rolls. No one asked me if I wanted anything, seemingly having learned from our previous encounter.

A short while later, his mum reappeared with a plate of about 6 sausage rolls and a bottle of ketchup. It became evident that this was a regular meal of his and the ‘sauce’ of the ketchup stain (I couldn’t resist making that joke).
So we were about halfway through the movie, he was nomming away on a pile of sausage rolls while I remained rigid, wondering if this was now my life when his older brother wondered into the room (does anybody knock anymore?!) carrying his baby son. He introduced himself and gave me a brief interrogation and thrust the baby into my dates arms.

So to recap, there is now me, my date, a baby and a ketchup stain. It is getting  very crowded on this single bed. Now I think babies are great and the day I have my own excites me but I haven’t had much contact or experience with them so I just sort of ignored this poor kid. His uncle was doing most of the entertaining anyway.

Nothing else happened during the movie, but I was so overwhelmed by my experienced that I asked to go home and promptly (and gently) let him know that I didn’t think things were working out. He didn’t take it very well, called me manipulative but we had only met 3 times. I don’t even know if he’d had a girlfriend before, that’s what little I knew about him… But he clearly left a lasting impression. I will never look at ketchup the same again.

I Won Tickets To Spain!

Dear Blog,

Last week I was soaking up some last-minute 2018 sunshine in the gorgeous Costa De Sol. Back in July, I won 2 free plane tickets to Malaga through work to celebrate the NHS turning 70 years old. Not a bad prize at all! When I entered that competition, I had always planned to give the tickets to my mum and her partner. 2018 has been a particularly difficult year for my family so it seemed the perfect way to escape.
A trip for 2 people turned into a family trip for the 6 of us: Mum, me and my sister plus my mums partner and his 2 kids.

This was my first every trip to Espania and although I’ve seen pictures, nothing quite prepared me for the outstanding beauty of black sanded beaches, Palm trees lining the roads and random cacti scattered around the pavement. From the moment I left the airport, I was taken back.
We were staying in a family friendly, all-inclusive resort hosting an impressive waterslide collection, countless pools, evening entertainment and just a general great vibe. With spacious rooms, 2 restaurants and backing right onto the beach, this place was heaven.

Most of our days were spent pool side, nursing a range of free drinks from hot chocolates to Coke to San Miguel. This was a life style I had never experience and it was quite a shock to arrive back in England and not having drinks on tap.
When we weren’t sunning ourselves, we were out exploring the neighbourhood. Littered with white-walled houses and beautiful mountains that coated the horizon, this was nothing like home and I experience a huge sense of longing on what I may be missing around the world. I have only been going abroad since 2015 so seeing all these picturesque views in real life still blows my mind.



On our 4th day, we decided to go on a day trip to Gibraltar, a tiny controversial country on the south spanish coast that remains part of the UK. It is effectively a rock which could be seen from our hotel room back in Spain. It was ever so surreal to cross the border and suddenly see street names in English, our trademark red busses, shops typical of a british high street and even a strange version of our currency. Home away from home.
Our goal for the day was to see dolphins in the Gibraltar bays. Boarding a little catamaran boat (so proud of myself for not panicking) and joining 15 or so other tourist, we headed out of the harbour and into the bays. The sight of the other boats like the huge tankers and cruise ships did make me feel quite nervous. You don’t realise how big they are until you are in a dinky boat right underneath them. At first we could only see a few dolphins in the distance, too far to really distinguish what kind they were. However, the further out we got, the more pods we spotted. Dorsal fins were popping our of the water from every angle, it was hard to know where to look, in fear of missing one close by. The closer we got, the closer to the boat they got, until they were swimming and jumping right beside us. I have honesty never seen wildlife look so content, so natural and so majestic. When it was time to go back to shore, the Common Dolphins stereotypically swam in our jet streams, giving us a fantastic view of them both under and out of the water. It was a moment without cameras or phones, just a treat for us to treasure.


During the evenings of our holiday, we were audience to several different performances. Flamenco dancing was mesmerizing, so many foot movements! There was a Motown group from Cape Town who were very good and got the audience singing along. One night there was a magic act but unfortunately I spend too much of my childhood dedicated to watching Breaking the Magician’s Code: Magic’s Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed, so had learned a lot of the basic tricks however it was still an enjoyable night.

spain resort

All in all, Spain was fantastic and blew my expectations out of the water. A beautiful culture full of bright colours, amazing food and soft language. It was a much-needed break at just the right time of the year with temperatures settling at a comfortable 24/23 degrees celsius. Thank you for having us and if you find my mobile phone, please sent it back, it had my original thumb nail on it.

Another country to scratch off my map, now to prepare for January!


Anyone who is curious as to where we spent our week, the hotel is Globales Playa Estepona. I am not being paid to promote them, credit where credit is due and we had a fantastic time. 

Ready To Move On.

Dear Blog,

It has been almost 5 months since I re-entered the single zone. It hasn’t been an easy journey to get to this stage, with so many little thing reminding me of the person I honestly thought I would settle down with. So many dreams that could only have been shared together, gone to waste. But there isn’t a day that goes by where I regret my decision to walk away. And I know he feels it too.
As unexpected as it was, our break up was the right decision for both of us and 5 months on, I finally feel free. I no longer love him, long for his company. I am over him.

That feels so good to say. I could shout it from the roof tops: “I’M OVER YOU!”

I finally feel ready to begin the “Don’t die alone” quest for the 4th time on my 25 years on this planet. However, this time, things will be very different.
Before I met my most recent Ex (wow, that sounds awful), I had only been single a few months. Within 6 weeks of my previous relationship ending, I had made an online dating profile and actively seeking companion number 3. Looking back, I was not in the right place in my life for another relationship and the desire to be love and have security ultimately overrode my rational thinking. That’s not to say that I did not give my Ex my all. I put all my effort into our relationship but perhaps because of my initial thought process, I sabotaged us before we even had time to bloom.

This mistake will not happen again as I have consciously spent the last 5 months reflecting on my behaviours during the previous 2 years. What I did, why I acted in such ways as well as what I actually want out of a relationship. I was a fool and a bully for ever thinking I could mold someone into whoever I wanted. So no matter how long it takes, I will find someone who fits.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not searching for my soul mate. I honestly don’t believe they exist. I believe that multiple people can be ‘The One’. I just need to find one of them. I want to be with someone and think, no matter how difficult the time might be, that this is enough. No more wondering if the grass is greener, just simply being content with life and knowing that what I have is not worth losing. A grown up relationship.

There is a huge adrenaline rush when I think about the future and who I may end up marrying. Weather I am 5 or 25, I am still a woman and ultimately, marriage and children is what I see before me.  And as you get older, the more your focus shifts when looking for a potential mate. Back when you were a hormone driven teenager, it was all about looks and whoever would kiss you. That focus shifts gradually from looks, to personality to who can provide the support and partnership needed to raise a family and maintain a healthy relationship. It is a fascinating thing to watch, especially when it happens to those around you. You might have a friend from school who always dated the most popular guy, the player, only for them to now be in their mid twenties and settled down with someone of a complete opposite personality. At least that’s how I can view my life.

While I have no current intentions of actively hunting for the next ‘love of my life’, I am admitting that I am healed and ready to progress into 2019 with a clear head. Who knows what our lives will be like in a years time? It’s all rather exciting…

Wake Up!

The doctors, they said it,
An illness? You claimed it.
Like a badge of honor, you wear these labels,
Consumed by the reactions, you act unstable.
You’d think no-one else had ever experienced,
The hardships you claim, You’re delirious.
Everyday is different:
You’re angry,
You’re happy,
You’re depressed and snappy,
One minute you’re suicidal,
The next you’re shagging every man,
You’re in such denial.
Am I coming?
Or going?
Do you want me?
I’m tiptoeing.
Wake up,
Your reality is a lie.
Come off social media,
It’s not hard to just be genuine.
Life’s not great,
But you’re on the road to ruin,
Everything you’ve built the past 4 years.
You know where I am,
I can lend an ear.
But only if you take a sec to remember,
How lost you were that special November…

Clove and The Elastic Bands.

Dear Blog,

It has been 5 weeks since Clove and I moved into our little house. I wasn’t sure how she would react; being only 18 months old, uprooting everything is something she’s never experienced. Besides being adopted by me that is.

Initially, she didn’t react how I’d expected. My confident little feline either hid aware or was attached to my leg like glue, never leaving my side. It took a good few days for her to get used to all this space. After all, she was used to only having 2 rooms to run around in, now she has a mini emperor to sprint around in. She has discovered how slippery wood flooring can be, often doing a cartoonish run on the spot before finding traction and darting off. It’s a rather funny sight, especially when she’s chasing a fly.

One of my main reasons for moving was so Clove could finally have regular access to the outdoors instead of having to rely on me taking her out in her little pink harness. It was good while she was a kitten but now she’s grown far too inquisitive and longs to go out for longer periods of time. Luckily, our house has a cat flap. It didn’t take her long to work out how to use it.

So a few days ago, in the middle of the night, I woke up to the sound of Clove crying hysterically. She sprinted upstairs and jumped on my bed. Worried that she might have injured herself, I grabbed my phone and shone the light on her. She was crouched funny, like she had caught something. Great. The hunting has begun… So I nudged her out of the way to see what present she had bestowed upon me only to discover a much worn, pretty disgusting, elastic band. By this point, Clove was purring her little heart out, overly impressed with her new-found hunting abilities.
Like anyone in the early hours of the morning, I put it out of her reach, fell back asleep and disposed of it in the morning.

A couple of days passed and I’d forgotten all about it. Then, on Friday afternoon, I had just set up our new sofa when I heard the cat flap go. Seconds later I hear continuous meows followed by my fluffy black kitty; with another elastic band in her mouth! She dropped it at my feet and proceeded to rub around my legs (annoying not at all interested in my new purchase), while purring profusely.
By this time, I’m in utter shock and confusion. What is her obsession with elastic bands? Where on earth is she even getting them from? And why is she bringing them to me?! Again, I disposed of it and continued about my day.

Fast forward to Monday. We’d had a good weekend, not an elastic band insight. Then, as I walk out my front door, my eye catches something. Something black, crossing the road. Clove. With, yep, you’ve guessed it, ANOTHER elastic band. Luckily, she dropped it as soon as she saw me but it didn’t stop her begging for attention and acknowledgement.

The next day, when I came home from work, I found another elastic band, torn up, on my bed. So, as you can see, my cat has an elastic band problem, addiction even. It’s a very peculiar, very unique addiction but at least it isn’t birds or mice. I have a feeling the postman is dropping them during his morning routine and Clove, being a good member of society, has taken it upon herself to rid the streets of his litter. Or perhaps she just thinks they are weird bouncy things that she’s never seen before. For whatever reason, It’s another trait to add to her expanding personality.

Match Day Memories

It’s Saturday.
It’s a family event, a routine, a ritual.
Scarves of support wrapped around our necks,
Scores of fans march down the street
Filling the air with harmonious chants.
We are going to a football match.

Street venders sell programs as we filter though the gates.
Tickets, Turnstiles, Mascots, Merchandise.
Mushy peas and Steak and Kidney Pie,
Scents that fill the air.
My hand runs along the concrete walls,
as we emerge into the stand.
We are at a football match.

Cold plastic seats fold down,
The fog lights come on
and it begins.
People cheer, the chants get louder.
I don’t know the rules,
I don’t know whats happening,
But I’m happy.
I’m at a football match.

The atmosphere is tense yet fun.
Everyone jumps up,
I follow suit, Cheering, Clapping.
I think we are winning?
It’s an improvised performance,
To bond with the man I should call, Dad.
I used to go to football matches.

I have blocked out a lot of my childhood. It was a different life but although I hate football, these weekly fortnightly trips will always hold a place in my heart. They were a rare time that my family was a normal family. 

I Absorb Personalities.

Dear Blog,

At the moment, life isn’t as easy as I would like it to be but it has given me a lot to think about such as, me as a person and where my issues lie. Then I had a thought, an epiphany if you will: I have a personality draining demon.

As I have grown up, especially in the last 4 years, I have gone through a huge personality shift. Things I thought were important, things I’d dreamed off for years, faded into the background and I learnt life didn’t have to be linear, we aren’t in the 1950’s. I am free to go, do, be anything I want to be.

In 2014, I dyed my hair bright blue, straying away from my long, natural blonde hair. I saw a youtuber who had the same shade who seemed to have a pretty decent life at the age of 26 and I was inspired. So I changed my appearance to embrace this new-found youth. I have not been my natural hair colour since.  Now I know back then, I was more copying her rather than being motivated by her but I do still believe it triggered a change in me. From that moment, I have been absorbing different parts of people’s personalities.

Later that year, I got into an unhealthy relationship. I hold my hands up and admit I was 75% the cause and thankfully it didn’t last long. However, I met this person and listened to their stories, their families stories and was again inspired (can you see a trend?). This person was a keen guitarist and singer and although I have been playing guitar since I was 16, I am nowhere near pro (and unfortunately it is a skill I have completely given up now), I was starstruck. His favourite band soon became mine, I started taking my guitar more seriously and would often bug him so let me play on his until it became such a focus of mine, a obsession, that I soon overtook him and his passion until he couldn’t keep up. He went back into his shell like a freshly dried raisin. Then things ended.

So now we are in 2015/16 and I am this blue haired, semi-rock chic with guitar chords pumping through my veins. What would be the next thing I’d add to my arsenal? How about traveling.

In 2016, I met my current partner. When we met, I was hung up on the idea of getting married and having children. That was my goal in life. But when we met, I heard stories about living in Australia and Vietnam. Going from country to country on your own. This was like giving sugar to a bee. I adored that idea. I craved that idea. I stole that idea… Over the course of 2 years, children were out of the picture, replaced with plan after plan of going on holidays, month-long breaks and even moving to New Zealand. Everything sounded so exciting and was feeding this demon.
Cycling was another trait I adopted from my partner. Before I knew it, I was entering sportives left, right and center. I bought a bike worth hundreds of pounds, cycled everywhere and invested so much of my spare time watching cycling videos on YouTube. Weekends were filled with the urge to cycle more, further, faster. It was a sport my partner had partaken in since he was 8 years old and here I was, going crazy, addicted. I wanted it all but I couldn’t see that I was draining him. I was literally sucking the life right out of him and he became just another shell of who he had been. Because of me. So much inspiration that I adored but instead of cherishing his traits and talents, I wanted them for my own.

Here, in 2018, I am an energised, motivated, inspired ball of raging energy, yet I am alone. I took what I loved and I killed it.

I hope that I have found who I am ment to be and will stop this destruction otherwise I will end up with nothing to show but a list of failures and broken hearts. In a world with so much opportunity, where it is normal to go against the norm, how will I find my balance? Or am I still a naive 25 year old?