Can you feel that?
The stabbing feeling in your chest?
The piecing pain as your heart beats against your ribs,
Like a desperate prisoner banging on the bar of his cell?
Or the lump as hard as a rock lodged in your throat?
The choking sensation as is the stings getting tighter?
The inability to expel any sound?
Can you feel the knot that twists your stomach?
How about the throbbing headache?
The skull shattering combustion of your brain,
Can you feel it?
The cold sweat dripping down your back,
Glueing your clothes to your skin?
Suffocating your body with each movement?
How about the turbulent tremor?
The aggressive shaking,
The ache of bruising muscles?
Did you feel that?
Can you feel the agony you put me through?
It’s about time you did.
The doctors, they said it,
An illness? You claimed it.
Like a badge of honor, you wear these labels,
Consumed by the reactions, you act unstable.
You’d think no-one else had ever experienced,
The hardships you claim, You’re delirious.
Everyday is different:
You’re depressed and snappy,
One minute you’re suicidal,
The next you’re shagging every man,
You’re in such denial.
Am I coming?
Do you want me?
Your reality is a lie.
Come off social media,
It’s not hard to just be genuine.
Life’s not great,
But you’re on the road to ruin,
Everything you’ve built the past 4 years.
You know where I am,
I can lend an ear.
But only if you take a sec to remember,
How lost you were that special November…
Face to face,
The dusty battlefield sketches out our territory.
A gentle breeze compliments the dusk sky.
Lets do this.
I fight for the future.
You fight for the present.
You’re slow off the bat,
I aim my words,
Knowing exactly which ones to use and where they’ll hit.
In one swift motion I fire.
“When should we move in together?”
“Do you want children?”
“Shall we move away?”
“I hope we grow old together”
“What about marriage?”
“Imagine our first home.”
In rapid succession,
They fly towards you,
But you play your card,
My words fly closer and the dust uplifts.
I catch my breath,
The dust clears.
You dodged every word.
Your loyal move.
I wipe my brow,
I’m not done yet.
I try my next trick,
Flicking though my arsenal,
I find what I’m looking for.
In a frenzy I shoot,
Miniature family and friends sore in your direction.
Accompanied by whispers of laugher and joy,
Quizzes and birthday celebration.
Topped with all the adventures we were going to have.
I can see you panic.
Don’t get overwhelmed now.
You were unprepared for this fight.
Your inventory is empty.
The wind picks up.
You try to run.
But you take the hit.
As the dust clears,
You stand motionless.
Blood trickles down your nose.
I have little remorse.
I see that you’re weak,
So I take another chance.
Time to use my ultimate weapon.
I step closer to you.
I know what it will do to you.
What she will do to you.
I release the cat.
Sprinting at full force,
She targets you,
Clouds cast over the closer she gets,
You don’t stand a chance.
She was always your weakness regardless what you tell yourself.
Claws rip chunks of flesh,
Screams fill the battlefield,
I have my own battle scars to prove it.
Claw piece deep,
As you collapse from the pain caused by such a small thing,
As the blood begins to drain away,
I call off the cat.
She retreats back into the shadows.
I am victorious.
I approach your limp body as you gasp for breath,
I hover over you.
With your last ounce of strength,
You surprise me.
You throw memories.
Flashbacks hit me over and over,
I won’t be defeated,
I represent too much!
I’ve come too far!
I watch you,
You know it too.
I don’t want to kill you.
I’ll wait until the next fight.
As I walk away,
You use all your power and fire your final shot.
Your ultimate weapon.
I know it’s coming.
I can hear it rushing towards me,
I duck and roll.
“I love you.”
It lands on my neck,
Theres an explosion of light.
I’m hurt bad.
I can’t move.
You crawl towards me.
Your pain is audible.
You find your feet,
Clutching your broken body.
We look into each other eyes,
Utter one final sentence:
It’s a family event, a routine, a ritual.
Scarves of support wrapped around our necks,
Scores of fans march down the street
Filling the air with harmonious chants.
We are going to a football match.
Street venders sell programs as we filter though the gates.
Tickets, Turnstiles, Mascots, Merchandise.
Mushy peas and Steak and Kidney Pie,
Scents that fill the air.
My hand runs along the concrete walls,
as we emerge into the stand.
We are at a football match.
Cold plastic seats fold down,
The fog lights come on
and it begins.
People cheer, the chants get louder.
I don’t know the rules,
I don’t know whats happening,
But I’m happy.
I’m at a football match.
The atmosphere is tense yet fun.
Everyone jumps up,
I follow suit, Cheering, Clapping.
I think we are winning?
It’s an improvised performance,
To bond with the man I should call, Dad.
I used to go to football matches.
I have blocked out a lot of my childhood. It was a different life but although I hate football, these weekly fortnightly trips will always hold a place in my heart. They were a rare time that my family was a normal family.